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Daily living with MS, MS Symptoms, Multiple Sclerosis

The Fear


Last week I went to bed and woke up a couple of mornings with my leg throbbing, my good right leg throbbing.  Mainly my MS symptoms fall to my left leg, so when the right leg starts to feel funny, I get really scared.  I pretend not to notice but it catches up.  I called to Kieran’s house last week with his dinner, he took one look at me and I burst into tears, I couldn’t hold it together any longer, I was so scared. 

fear

For me it is the fear of what is to come.  I have come to terms with my left leg and its limitations (even though I am constantly trying new things to make it recover/feel better/stronger), I have accepted that it is damaged.  When the right leg has a tingly sensation or numbness or pain, I am petrified, I am afraid of what it might mean, is my MS progressing?  Will it get as bad as my right?  Does this mean that in years to come I wont be able to walk?

This is what I call the Fear, when you start to feel something different, it is the MS? is it from something else like a sore back?   For years, I crucified myself, I started  to wonder what has happened, I should have rested more, I shouldnt have broken my diet, if I just took more exercise, you start to beat yourself up.  It is a very scary place to be and going down this negative road is something that does not help.  I now acknowledge the change and have a good cry, I give myself time to feel sad and angry that all the effort I am going to may not be working but then I pull myself together and try to get through it, maybe through more rest or Reiki.    I have also become more spiritual, so I pray, I put my trust in God/Arch angels, so that whatever is meant to happen, happens and I have the strength to deal with it, my mantra is Let Go (of the fear), Let God.. I don’t believe that God deliberately tries to make things difficult, I believe that he loves us and does what he can to help.  This maybe naive but it my way to cope.

This happened last week and Monday night but today I feel good.  I can only thank God and hope that this is the end of it.  How do you cope when it happens, I would be really interested in knowing.  Thanks…

 

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About msinthecity

I am I suppose many things, a former world champion kickboxer, an image consultant, a planner but fundamentally a happy lady who has multiple sclerosis..

Discussion

6 thoughts on “The Fear

  1. Hi Nic. It’s only natural to have this kind of fear pop up, after all our illness is degenerative in a lot of people. But keep reminding yourself that this getting worse might never happen. Of course you have to mourn your previous self, only then can you make sense of the loss and the future that lies ahead of you. Keep your chin up and don’t dwell on symptoms too long. Live in ‘the now’ and enjoy your life. If it keeps going on with your right leg, consult a GP or your MS nurse. And keep writing because I now realise how much writing helped me make sense of my own MS last year. I’m much more up-beat even though I was already a positive person, but it’s given me peace inside myself and with my MS.

    Posted by Billie | February 28, 2013, 5:30 pm
  2. Hi Nic. I get the fear all the time but it usually has nothing to do with my MS. I’m so newly diagnosed I just can’t let my brain go into what might happen. Although I don’t let the fear get me in that way, it manifests itself in other ways. I think everyone blames me for everything that no matter what they’re talking about its my fault and it makes me feel scared. I get scared that members of my family are going to die. It’s pure irrational! I think most of us get the fear in one way or another and I think we have to try to take it as another symptom and not let it take over. I love how strong you are and I love that you have such faith, wish I could say the same. IMHO you are doing exactly what you should when it comes to the fear.

    Posted by aileen1983 | February 22, 2013, 1:01 am
    • Hi Aileen
      Thanks so much for commenting and your very kind words..
      Things have settled down again apart from some back trouble so the fear is gone..
      I understand the fear about your family as my Mum died suddenly a few years ago so for a while I worried every time I left my dad or a sibling..
      I love your photo, the fringe is cool..
      Hoping your MS is stable
      Mind yourself
      Nicola

      Posted by msinthecity | February 22, 2013, 2:12 pm
  3. Hi Nicola, I think you are incredibly brave and honest. You are doing really great and I am so proud of you facing up to the fear and then using your mantra to let it go. It ain’t easy but you are doing a wonderful job. Keep it up!

    Posted by Sarah | February 18, 2013, 1:33 pm
  4. Hi Nic, read your post and it brought back a lot of memories. The problem with “the fear” is when you internalise it , it multiplies inside and creates more stress which makes the MS symptoms worse. A good way to diffuse it is to talk about it to someone but women don’t need us lads telling you that, you invented talking.. There are so many negative views of MS held by people who live with or around it . There needs to be some positive stuff put out there for people too and to give some hope. It doesn’t get there at present, but does exist. have you any ideas on how that could be done and maybe help yourself in the process?

    Posted by Joe | February 13, 2013, 9:25 pm

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