Last week I went to bed and woke up a couple of mornings with my leg throbbing, my good right leg throbbing. Mainly my MS symptoms fall to my left leg, so when the right leg starts to feel funny, I get really scared. I pretend not to notice but it catches up. I called to Kieran’s house last week with his dinner, he took one look at me and I burst into tears, I couldn’t hold it together any longer, I was so scared.
For me it is the fear of what is to come. I have come to terms with my left leg and its limitations (even though I am constantly trying new things to make it recover/feel better/stronger), I have accepted that it is damaged. When the right leg has a tingly sensation or numbness or pain, I am petrified, I am afraid of what it might mean, is my MS progressing? Will it get as bad as my right? Does this mean that in years to come I wont be able to walk?
This is what I call the Fear, when you start to feel something different, it is the MS? is it from something else like a sore back? For years, I crucified myself, I started to wonder what has happened, I should have rested more, I shouldnt have broken my diet, if I just took more exercise, you start to beat yourself up. It is a very scary place to be and going down this negative road is something that does not help. I now acknowledge the change and have a good cry, I give myself time to feel sad and angry that all the effort I am going to may not be working but then I pull myself together and try to get through it, maybe through more rest or Reiki. I have also become more spiritual, so I pray, I put my trust in God/Arch angels, so that whatever is meant to happen, happens and I have the strength to deal with it, my mantra is Let Go (of the fear), Let God.. I don’t believe that God deliberately tries to make things difficult, I believe that he loves us and does what he can to help. This maybe naive but it my way to cope.
This happened last week and Monday night but today I feel good. I can only thank God and hope that this is the end of it. How do you cope when it happens, I would be really interested in knowing. Thanks…