As a single thirtysomething, one of my greatest desires is to find my other half. I did try to force it, using on-line dating but this was rough on my heart, constantly putting myself out there and getting rejected for lots of different reasons (incl the MS), so I listened to friends who said to let it go and see what happens…. And then it happened 🙂
So now that the universe has provided for me, suddenly I feel scared, some of my own personal fears have become more apparent. They are like the body hidden under winter clothes that discovers the hot summers day. The new situation brings them to the surface and no matter how much I try to push them back down, they reappear and suddenly I realise that I need to deal with them.
On Sun evening when I got home, I was watching Private Practice where Addison has to bury her mother. It was a very heartfelt episode and brought up all the feelings about losing my Mum and how important love and family really are. It is what I really want so why am I looking for reasons not to let someone in?
I am afraid, (if you look deep enough I am really afraid), I have spent years building up the wall around my heart to protect myself (a direct result from my first major relationship) and really don’t know how to knock it down. I have made myself self-sufficient, I don’t need anyone.
I have also made myself numb (when I was younger it was better to be numb than feel all the hurt and pain), God in some ways I am so messed up.
So now I am trying. I don’t want to be on my own for the rest of my life, I have to keep trying, to take down the wall, one brick at a time and trust that whatever is meant to be will be…
Self… The work is never-ending