I really don’t feel like me. Not at all. I have been crying all day and I can’t seem to get to my normal place. It’s not, that I spend the whole time with a smile on my face and extremely (annoyingly) happy, but I am normally peaceful, it has taken me a number of years to get here and today there is no sign of it.
Today is a bad day. An off day. I feel miserable, I feel fat, I feel fed up, yesterday I found it hard just to walk to the canteen in work, so much so that I didn’t want to do it. Today my leg is very painful and I am on the verge of getting a kidney infection, my defences are down. I also have a headache and my body feels very tired, despite today being is only Tuesday and the fact that I stayed in all weekend. I am just sick of it, sick to the death of it, why me? Why am I the one who gets sick, the one who isn’t married, the one who feels lonely and sad. Bad days suck and MS makes them even worse.
I am feeling angry, really angry… Why me, why do I have to deal with all of this, a messed up relationship, MS and the loss of my mother. The one person who would really mind me when I am feeling like this but she’s not here. I have to be strong and independent, to do everything myself, to pay the bills, to be a good friend, to try to be a nice person, urrgghhhh, I follow a strict diet because it is supposed to help MS (always question that when I am feeling shit), I go to the gym because I want to stay in some sort of shape (would be easier to go for a walk but guess what I can’t), I am just really fed up with it and I miss my Mum. I feel like the steroids are really playing with my head, they may have helped but they also bring you down.
This is a hard post for me to write because it is honest and miserable but I need people to know that you have your off days with MS BUT thankfully they pass. I have some Reiki tomorrow and I am getting as much sleep as possible so hopefully I will see some light soon.